April 24th, 2024
Whether or not I'm preoccupied with how people treated me in the past seems to come in waves. I stayed up until 2am last night just thinking about this girl who took advantage of me in highschool. Is it trauma? It certainly changed my life path, not having someone I could trust fully back then.
It's been a month since my last therapy appointment and I'm not going back. I can't talk about this to my only internet friends because it just so happens neither of them have ever been to therapy. I want them to go. I don't want to cast doubts on the experience. I just need a therapist that gets me.
I hate opening up and I don't know what to do about that. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, beyond the surface level diagnostic labels. Maybe then I could fully talk to a therapist without second guessing everything I say about myself.
When I think about losing my childhood best friend, I often think that I lost a part of myself. I think not being able to talk openly with someone who deeply understood me has led me to forget who I am and what I value. And it's been like that for years, and being autistic, could even predate the abuse. I think I should reflect on my journalling more often, instead of being like "This is too depressing, not getting me anywhere, time to bury it."
At least I don't feel like killing myself anymore. I should be happier about that, but it feels weird. Like not wanting to kill myself is just another example of me being "aimless and lazy". I really gotta remind myself that I deserve help to like, a good standard.